I didn't really read the OP. No offense, but when you've got hundreds, maybe thousands of intelligent posts to make a day on a varied range of topics from beastiality to animal husbandry, you've got to maximize your time.
I did, however, catch the gist, and I also noticed that you needed expert advice. Say no more, I'm here.
Beagle "Prophet of Love" Saddamacasanovarelli
This is me
You're not convinced. "Beagle Saddamacasanovarelli, I've heard of you before -" and of course you have, who hasn't - "but I did not expect you to look so unwashed or hairy." Of course you did not, you silly little sock of teenage hormones, because for years the media has been waging a war on YOU. Books, TV, movies, ads, all have been targeting you with their campaign of disinformation to convince you that the ideal man is smooth, subtly muscular, and hairless, often with a smart short haircut. Do you know who else shares these traits?
That's right.
Lesbians.
Anger is no doubt welling up inside you. All this time your tender hormones have been used against you by the insidious lesbian media, promoting their selfish agenda of molding every man in the world into their image. Have you ever wondered why even though you shower daily, use toilet paper and stare at her with intensity, a woman refuses to surrender herself to your advances? It's because she's not looking for what the media told you about. She's looking for a real man. Someone with the built-in food reserves to last a thousand year winter, and the thick coat of hair necessary to shelter her from those cold nights. A man who takes the steering wheel of life with gusto.
For those not paying attention that man is me
"Beagle, your words move and inspire me -" and of course they do, you silly little muppet, that is the intent - "but how does this help me get the girl?" Well, I am slightly perturbed, my young apprentice, for it appears you have listened to nothing I have said, should this hypothetical response be similar to your own. Your delicate strumpet, no doubt named "Jennifer" or "Shaniqua", does not wait for a waxxed-up image of skinliness to ask her to your quaint dance. Should your male rival ask her to the dance and not have the required bodyhair, she will laugh in his face.
"A ha ha ha ha ha! You expect me to be attracted to your feminine features? Away with you!"
In this hypothetical scenario, the time for you is now. Enter dramatically into your local school or learning institution, with a dress shirt
slightly unbuttoned to show the beginnings of the forest of chest hair you've spent the past two weeks growing. Her mind races as she imagines how many follicles more are under your silken threads. Seize this moment, apprentice. Wave to her smoothly, punctuating it as you do with a handheld maraca,
shaka-sha. The maraca has been proven to have intense effects on the female mind, and as your hair and the smooth sounds of shaking fight together, her feeble defenses will cave in. As you stride towards her to continue your assault, she has already surrendered to a powerful lust for
you.
"I can't thank you enough, Beagle", a thought you feel more than think it as you prepare for a close-combat assault. "But what do I say?" Little lover, the words will not be needed today. Say what you like, for the lady will hang on your every word, nodding her assent with enthusiasm unbecoming of a high-school student. You need not worry about feeling bad for your lady missing her dance, as she has begun her first steps into a realm of pleasure that makes that awkward affair look like a tiring and prolonged war for oil in comparison. Saddamacasanovarelli advises you that your new-found powers of attraction do not void the laws of your state or country, and as such you should obtain written consent before, during and after any activities with your new companion of the heart.
09-30-2011, 07:16 PM
Linear Mode
