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The Water Cooler Discuss unrelated topics. Keep it clean. Keep it nice. |
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#1
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This thread is an archive of all the tl;dr I've written to burn CCN's eyes. Mumble is a helluva thing.
#1 My trip to the mall: One time I went to the mall and some saw tons of stuck up teenagers running around holding over 9000 shopping bags with all sorts of stupid **** inside them like clothes, Linken Park CDs, used syringes, and carebares. Annoyed by this, I walked up to one of them and punched him in the face, and then he pulled out his carebear and assulted my masculinity with it. Completely devastated by this, I needed to go the food court to get me some goddamn papa johns and regain my honor, but I found this FABULOUS smoothie place along the way. While standing in line to get my smoothie, I realized that the carebear had changed something inside my body. I now felt the need to look and feel fabulous and was suddenly interested in phallus'. In order to attempt to fix this, I started to make my way to the escalator to go to the bottom store and rent some manly movie like 300 or some ****. On my way back to the escalator, I had to run away from more of these carebare people who wanted to "carebearstare" up my ass. Horrified and slightly aroused by this notion, I ran down the up escalator in an attempt to evade them. I ditched them by telling the conservative catholic security guard that they were jewish and he escorted them out of the mall. When I finally got to the video store, I began browsing the manly movies, but couldn't help but stare at all the fabulous man-chests on the covers. Needing to cure this, I went and ordered all of them. Unfortunately, some asshole put Bruno DVDs inside all of the manly movie cases. After watching and enjoying the homoerotic movie several times, I opened the final DVD case that had a note that turned my life upsidedown. It informed me of my heritage as the FABULOUS fresh prince of Bel-Air. #2: My trip to the North Pole One time I decided I was sick of my everyday life, so I decided to take a vacation. When deciding where I wanted to go, I had several factors to consider: climate, population size, giant robot infestations, etc... You know, the usual stuff. So I decided I wanted to get away from society and wanted to go north. Way, way north. I went to the airport to buy tickets to the North Pole. Unfortunately, I was wearing my turban while talking to the receptionist who would sell me tickets and he thought I was a pissed off muslim who wanted to bomb santa. I pulled off my turban and shamefully revealed my balding spot and hoped he would understand. Sadly, he thought I was a robo-jew now and went to get security. Security started chasing me around the airport until they cornered me in baggage. They started beating me with their nightsticks like a cop beat a hippie in the 60s. I was beaten 12 shades of black, blue and orange (for some reason) until my turban turned into a tyrannosaurus and proceded to eat the security. At this point I decided to book it before the airforce showed up, so I hopped on my new dinosaur pet and rode him into Canada. The united states air force sent F22 raptors after me, so my dinosaur shot lasers out of his eyes and turned the jets into apple pies. The apple pies made the journey into the cold much more bearable until the cold killed off my dinosaur. I was ****ing pissed at this point because the paleontologists had said that a meteor did it, but it turns out that dinosaurs are just pussies and can't handle subzero temperatures. However, I managed to keep warm with the power of pies and a little bit of dino-penis. When I finally reached the north pole, I met santa who told me that he didn't exist and I was just high on drugs. Ms. Clause gave me some heroin and good times were had by all. #3: Buying a new couch One time I sat down on my couch and all of a sudden it was much squishier than usual. This was odd because the couch was 12 years old and had 3 broken springs. I got up and looked at my seat and lo and behold my dog took a giant dump on it. I went into the bathroom to go clean the **** off my pants when suddenly the doorbell rang. Not wanting to be rude, I went to go open the door and saw my mother standing there. Fortunately she is aging and her sense of smell isn't what it used to be, so she mistook the smell for me making fudge. I told her I was making fudge, but not that kind of fudge. She gave me a late christmas card and I was able to shoo her out before she sat down on the couch. So I went back into the bathroom and took off my fudge-coated pants and put on my favorite miniskirt. I decided it was time to replace my couch, so I called my neighbor Bob over to help me move my couch over into the alley. Bob was completely taken aback by my lovely miniskirt, and he left very quickly and awkwardly after we moved the couch. I bet he was so jealous. So, after that, I got in my Helicopter and flew to the nearest couch store. Unfortunately, there wasn't a helipad, so I landed on Elixir's car. He came up to me and asked me if that was my helicopter, so I told him "No U". He responded with "No U". We repeated this for hours until he regenerated his car using the sheer power of the "No U" we had generated. I wished him off on his merry way. As I got inside the store, I looked around and tried to decide on a new couch. Unfortunately, when I decided on one, I noticed the store was staffed by dogs who had "fudged" on the couch I was going to buy. A little annoyed at this, I went outside and went into the forest to summon the tree gorillas to kick the dogs asses. During the chaos, I managed to steal a really nice couch and tied it to my helicopter with a bungie cord. So with my couch just hanging there, not unlike something else *winkwink*, I happened to be flying too low and crashed the couch into CCN's house. I proceed to land the helicopter and get out to exchange insurance information. While we are inspecting the damage, I notice that the couch landed in CCN's septic tank and is now covered in fudge. Fortunately, he is too busy going "CCN CCN CCN CCN CCN CCN CCN CCN CCN" to notice that I swapped the couch with his couch using my ninja skills. I flew off in my helicopter with him none the wiser. When I got home, I noticed that Bob was not answering my phonecalls, so I decided to smash out my window and bring the couch in that way. Once I got the couch in place in my living room, I laced the edged of it with wiring that contained an electric charge so that if my dog decided to poop on it, it would cook his ass. Of course, this means I can't sit on it either, but it is worth it to learn the little bugger. Last edited by Evan20000; 12-30-2010 at 04:50 AM. |
#2
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You're the reason I no longer sign in to the game.
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#3
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Haters gonna hate.
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#4
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I lol'd
Moar plz! |
#5
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Cocaine is a helluva drug.
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#6
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You win a cookie for getting the reference.
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#7
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My job is so ****ing unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ****ing dog to work. Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single ****ing day. Anyway, I drive these ****tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and ****. |
#8
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Oh original works?
Meh, it's 3:40 AM here. Maybe tomorrow. |
#9
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This is as bad as Woken's rat dogs.
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#10
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Don't insult Woken's dogs. At least his story made an iota of sense.
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#11
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rofl'd
chars |
#12
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Thought this thread was dead? YOU THOUGHT WRONG!
It was a dark stormy evening in London. CCN, weary from his journey from Asia and committing all sorts of sexual crimes on the plane trip over, had nowhere to stay and was getting cold. As he wandered the streets, he noticed a lonely flower shop on the corner. CCN lazily wandered over to the flower store, ignoring all the people running from the sight of him. As he entered the building, he noticed a young lady tending flowers inside, who had clearly not seen the wanted posters. Danielle offered to sell CCN some flowers. CCN was confused by this as he didn't know how to interact with humans in any way that wasn't too graphic to be described in detail on these forums. Danielle, having sympathy for the sexual misanthrope, offered to take CCN out for dinner. Danielle stuffed CCN into a crate with small holes for air and carried him out the door. She stuffed the box into her car and drove across town. She could have sworn she smelt excrement coming from the crate, but she dismissed it as her imagination. As Danielle pulled up to Chippotle, she unloaded the crate from the back of her car. Danielle walked inside the establishment and received strange looks from the other people in the cafeteria. Before she could get in line, the manager pulled her over. The manager (Andy) brought Danielle into the back room of the restaurant. "Ma'am, we've received complaints about the strange smells coming from your crate. Speaking of which, why are you dragging that around? Are you carrying a small animal in there?" Danielle began to unhook the latches on the crate when she was cut off by the manager "No, that won't be necessary! Just take your food and get out!". As Danielle stuffed some food into the air holes of the box, she finished her meal. Danielle then took the crate out into the parking lot to go back to her car, when suddenly she was ambushed by a mysterious stranger! Danielle, fearing for her life, ran as fast as she could while dragging the box behind her. In an unfortunate twist of fate, she tripped and fell. As it looked like she wouldn't be able to get away from the stranger, CCN burst out of the box. CCN pulled down his pants, ran up to the stranger, dragged him into the alley behind the Chippotle and MOD EDIT: User has been infracted for this post. Danielle seized the opportunity to get away and got in her car. When she got home, she took a long cold bath. |
#13
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did she get peppers AND beans
i do that |
#14
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She fed CCN the peppers and ate the beans.
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#15
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I request a PM of the part you posted before you got owned by the mod.
edit: Just read the entire thing. The above won't be necessary. Last edited by [Y]; 05-09-2011 at 01:51 AM. |
#16
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![]() Quote:
EDIT: There ya go. Double EDIT: I imagine CCN looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings when I write these. |
#17
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The text that you have entered is too long (204608 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long.
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#18
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Somehow I doubt you have the motivation to write that much.
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#19
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uuuuuuuuuuuu
edited to clarify: the great gatsby is very original, so gtfo u Last edited by [Y]; 05-09-2011 at 01:59 AM. |
#20
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Smells like ED copypasta.
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#21
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u smell like ED copypasta
In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and all the ascii characters came together. I began typing; In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and all the ascii characters came together. I began typing; In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and all the ascii characters came together. I began typing; In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and all the ascii characters came together. I began typing; In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and all the ascii characters came together. I began typing; In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and all the ascii characters came together. I began typing; In my noobier and more vulnerable years an old whore gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. “Whenever you feel like posting anything,” he told me, “just remember to make it as inflammatory and as pointless as possible.” I scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on “Community” then “Members List”, and searched for the infamous username. Skimming through the post history, it was evident that he followed his own advice to the letter. Studying the pages upon pages of internet gold, I could only dream of posting like the legend before me. It was a foolish hope, until one day. That faithful day, when something clicked and Paul Sheldon got scared, so he said "You're moving in with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air". I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said 'FRESH' and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare, but I thought 'Nah forget it, yo homes, to Bel Air!' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to settle my throne as the Prince of Bel Air. |
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Oh lawd...
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#23
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Fu wins......
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#24
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There once was a man from Missouri. His name was Dragon, and his whale was quite the charmer. Unfortunately though, the adults didn't see it that way. They wanted his whale all for themselves, and so they locked it away in a big tank of water where millions of people could enjoy it. Dragon was sad. He took to breaking the law, vandalizing skate parks, and being a general neerdowell. But then, on his sixteenth birthday, he got a great present from his dad. A new car! well, it was actually a ****ty old car, but on the plus side it transformed into an alien robot that has throat cancer. But then he started time traveling, and couldn't stop. The love of his life, Minerva, would see him every few years, as he hopped through time. She never knew when or where he would appear, so she had to be [INFRACTED] and [INFRACTED] at all times just in case. Unfortunately for Dragon, while he was time-hopping looking for his whale, CCN found his beautiful farmhouse. Fresh off a holiday in London, CCN wanted nothing more than to [INFRACTED] with [INFRACTED] with three holes but he couldn't find the perfect girl. So CCN instead decided to bide his time. He got take-out from Subway every day to maintain his sleek cereal killer form (no typo - his face has been printed on boxes of Wheaties to alert small children and professional athletes looking to get a breakfast edge). It all came to a head one day many years later when Dragon finally reappeared from wherever people go when they are time traveling. CCN had seduced his beautiful Minerva and together they [INFRACTED] with Dragon's [INFRACTED] for weeks and weeks. Dragon emerged from it a better person after realizing he had been on a binge for six weeks and it was all a dream.
Last edited by elxir; 05-09-2011 at 02:51 AM. Reason: INFRACTED |
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#26
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Mine's better.
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#27
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Toasting epic thread.
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#28
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![]() ![]() this is for you |
#29
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This thread makes me so happy.
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#30
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i would like to contribute
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#31
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So it was a lovely Tuesday morning just after 3rd period had ended and I was walking with a greek friend of mine to our next class. He was saying something about something when some guy passes us and my friend says to him "Hey angelface
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#32
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I haven't read a single one of em, tl;dr.
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#33
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wat is this i don't even
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#34
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thats fine, as long as you show support
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I approve of this enough to log on from the UK and post. Good show, sir.
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#36
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Contributing. This story follows my experiences in London. Most of this story is fact, but there is a wee bit of fiction splashed in.
I was finishing packing my bags when my mother called out to me from the other room. "Did you remember your toothbrush?" Thankfully, I had remembered it, but I was reminded of the time CCN had allegedly gone on a killing spree with a toothbrush. I remembered that he was also living in the UK right now, so he could be waiting for me at the airport. I needed to take precautions. I quickly went and grabbed my girliest pair of jeans, a rubber ducky and some "sunshine pills". The trip to the airport was fairly uneventful, but we detoured at a pawn shop. Here I saw a shotgun I just HAD to have, so we bought it. When we arrived at the airport, I was worried about getting my brand new SAIGA shotgun past security, but a miracle happened when I reached the checkpoint. As I put my bag into the scanner, I was pulled over by a guard. "Are those... sunshine pills?" he asked me. "Why yes they are. Would you like one?" He took the pill and didn't even seem to notice my shotty going through the metal detector. I only had 1 pill left, so I couldn't afford to pull this stunt off again at the UK security checkpoint. I get on the plane, strapped in for a 9 hour trip. About halfway through the flight attendants came by and offered us all shopping catalogs. I purchased a Charlie Sheen mask for 49.99. Expensive, but if my plan was to go off without a hitch, my wallet would need to take the hit. As we arrived after a very very very long flight, I put on my Charlie Sheen mask and walked out to customs. The customs officer wondered how the hell I got a shotgun past the US Security, but I told him that I was #winning and he wasn't about to break my #winning streak. After he waved me on through, I went down to the main airport area when lo and behold CCN was waiting for me. I quickly ducked into a bathroom and put on my girlpants, put the rubber duck on my head and swallowed the sunshine pill. I went over to the nearby McDonalds and started playing altitude hoping my lack of dignity would ward CCN off. After eating the most colorful cheeseburger of my life (thanks, Sunshine Pills!), I thought I was good to go when all of the sudden CCN caught on to my shenanigans. I ran for dear life making a dash to the baggage claim to hopefully get my shotgun. After running around the airport for what felt like hours, he finally cornered me when all of the sudden I was saved by the second miracle of the day. A headcrab lept out of nowhere and latched on to CCN's noggin, while rendering him unconcious. I took the oppertunity to escape and got my stuff. After a fairly uneventful day of sightseeing, I was confronted by a headcrab zombie CCN. I ran across the bridge away from Big Ben and towards the other end of London when none other than Hurri showed up in an F16 and blew up the bridge with an airstrike, with CCN on it. After narrowly dodging a death by friendly fire, I thought it was all over. I was wrong. The next day, I read a warning about how scientists had retrieved the body of a "headcrab rapist monster" when suddenly it arose from it's slumber and infected all the scientists with what is now known as the "CCN Virus". As the scientists slowly mutated into CCN abominations, the virus continued to spread throughout London. When I woke up the next morning, almost all of the city had been infected. I took my SAIGA and went looking for survivors. The CCN zombies displayed a large array of abilities gained from their mutations including but not limited to: A really long tongue that funtions as a limb, the ability to spit the virus and infect people at a distance, the ability to gain 400 pounds and toss cars around, but most frighteningly of all the urge to have unconsentful sex with anything that moves. I reached a nearby tavern and found 3 more sunshine pills. After supressing the urge to shout "PILLZ HERE!", I took them and went on my way. After making my way back towards the bridge where I had my last encounter with CCN, I figured he would be back here. Turns out I was right and I encountered the Queen CCN which resembled the Brood Mother from Dragon Age. After pumping the Brood Mother CCN full of buckshot and still not killing it, I was starting to run out of options. The CCN Queen opens it's anus to reveal an eggsac which spawns dozens of smaller zombies. This abomination must be stopped, no matter what. Out of ammo and almost out of options, I radio Hurri to tell him I am making the ultimate sacrifice. As the CCN Queen's tenticle pierces me, I spend my last breath telling it to go to hell. Right before death takes me over, I faintly hear Hurri's jet fly by along with an atomic blast. The CCN virus had been stopped at the ultimate cost. |
#37
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Evan, I ****ing hate you.
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#38
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I know I couldn't indulge your need for attention. Don't worry, you'll be in the next one. ^_^
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#39
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This almost makes me NOT want to meet you.
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#40
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You didn't want to anyway. Also, it's amazing what you can type up when you get drunk. (I just reread all that. Wow...)
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